Well I have not had a post in forever as I was cramming all of my summer homework into the last few weeks of summer break, as usual. The good thing is, as it's my senior year, I will no longer have to worry about summer work. I read The Awakening by Kate Chopin and Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison for my AP English class and The Devil in Massachusetts by Marion Starkey for my AP History class. That on top of AP Calculus work and essays, I didn't do much else (other than complain about having to do the work, which took up time in itself.)
So I've only been back in school for three days and I already caught some sort of illness, so I ended up staying home today. I re-watched a few Game of Thrones episodes from season one and did next to nothing. It gave me an excuse to not have to think about anything. I've been thinking for the past year. The past three years really, ever since the start of high school. But now, going into my senior year, I'm going to have to think nonstop until I get that diploma in my hand. But I'm sick of thinking. I'm sick of doing things because its expected of me. I'm sick of having to worry about pleasing people and doing what I think I'm supposed to do. No matter how I try, I always end up being held back by my need to please people. Whether its giving the right answer in class, saying the right thing to a friend, or doing the right thing for my school club presidential duties.
It all makes me wonder how I seem to people. I'm in the advanced and honors courses, I'm captain of the track team, I'm president and vice president of two different school clubs. What does that make me look like to people? Do I look like one of those girls who has her life figured out, who cares about her school, who is smart and involved and is a good organizer and leader? Is that what I look like? Because I'm none of those things, and I care about having none of those things. I care about being happy and none of those things make me happy. I do all of these things because I was pleasing other people, but the further along I get, the more I realize how unhappy I am. I realize how much I dislike the work I'm doing, the places I have to go, not to mention that I'm not too keen on the people I'm surrounded by.
Sure, I care a whole lot about education, but one of my favorite quotes is "Never confuse education with intelligence". You can put someone in school for their whole life, but it doesn't mean they'll learn a thing unless they want to. I can happily life my life outside of school now, but I know that will never happen. I will go on to college where I will study something I dislike to go on to a job that I hate. Live a life that is unfulfilled, and I will die along with my dreams. Unless...unless I do something about it. That is what I want: to do something, but it feels like everyone in my life wants me to do the exact opposite. Be nothing, do nothing, become nothing.
Maybe nothing is a harsh word. They want me to accomplish something, to make something of myself. But it has to be something safe, something acceptable. A musician is definitely not safe or acceptable. Doing what I love, pursuing my passion, what burns a fire deep down inside of me, is not acceptable.
Sometimes their doubts pollute my mind, but still I rise and keep beating on toward the light at the end of my tunnel. Because I know that the only people that have made it, that have won the battle, have conquered their dreams, are the people that still continued to rise and kept beating on. There are few who have the determination to make it, and I think and hope that I am one of them.